Gidday mate! Today we find ourselves in one of the most unforgiving wildernesses the world has to offer: the local gym. Long known to house the most bizarre creatures known to man (scientists theorize the dark rave lights, 90’s eurotrash techno, and sweaty interior combine for the perfect breeding ground), we cautiously approach this savage habitat. Set tasers to stun, they might bite!
Gym Guru: No one asks him for advice but he gives it anyway. He can be heard from across the gym floor talking about the latest big business deal he made or the newest car he bought. Known to prey upon the opposite sex, he stakes his sights on women far out of his league. But that doesn’t stop him from approaching them and talking with them anyways. Again. And Again. And Again.Ladies where to avoid him: The water fountain, entrance to change room (use alternative entry).
Muscle Man 1984: This near extinct creature is the last of a proud product of a bygone era. Pink fanny packs, acid wash bandanas, Gold’s Gym tank tops, and parachute pants are just some of the common attire that can help identify this creature. Unaware of the latest pop culture references, Mr. 1984 (please call him Rex, you know, short form for his nickname, T-Rex) prefers to use archaic phrases such as “cut that jibba jabba, its game time” or “no pain, no gain”.
Optional attire: Mid-riff tank top with either the phrases “Lift big, get big” “Hard and heavy” “Pain train”Last seen: Packing boxes at your local Walmart
Short-shorts: Name says it all, the man likes to wear short shorts, nothing more needs to be said. Usually likes to come around peak gym time. Between sets of loud pitched grunts, he can be seen walking around looking at himself with what can only be described as a come hither look.
Where to find him: Jumping out of birthday cakes, dancing on street poles, children’s playgroundsFavourite artist/noise: Wham!
Mrs. Ican’tloseweightthereforeIneedlipo: This desperate animal is trying with all her might to lose weight, but it just won’t happen dammit! She knows she’s doing the right thing, Madonna was doing it, so it HAS to work. The numbers don’t make sense! She does cardio AND spinning class AND she cut out white bread! ARGGH! Frustrating! Life is unfair! Drink of choice: 800 calorie Jamba Juice Post-workout drink, you know, to like, refuel the muscles or whatever
Jacked Gunz- Too much weight, not enough IQ, he desperately wants to get big for summer. Clearly still living with his parents, this young ruffian dons his sleeveless shirt in hopes of capturing the eye of a pretty gym bunny (unfortunately the only eyes looking are usually those of Short-shorts). His workouts are so intense that he simply cannot put his weights away- he has no energy- he spent it all in his killer workout. Common names for his arms: Gunnz, pipes, pythons, death stixs
Cardio Bunny: Her goal is NOT to get all big and muscular (that’s so gross), she just wants to get “toned”. Using the same Suzanne Somers workout for a decade, she resembles more the before photos than the after.
Drink of choice: In between intense sets of tricep kickbacks and bosu ball bicep curl (feel the burnnnnnnnn), she downs her favourite- a mochafrappadiabetes from the local coffee shop.
This concludes our initial foray into the dangerous territory of the gym safari. Until next adventure!
Do you know any other gym rats? Share the horror stories!
Copyright March 31, 2009 by Omar Isuf
Omar Isuf is a highly regarded Personal Trainer and is dedicated to your fitness success. Make sure to subscribe to his website to stay ahead of the pack and get the results you want! (go here!).
I just can’t quit those golden halos
